Self Image And Success In An Uncertain World
“Sure Jeff. It’s no big deal. I’ll just positively think myself through this miserable time I’m having now. No sweat. I’ll just think positively, and all my troubles will disappear like the horse and buggy did, right?”
A good friend of mine said these sarcastic words to me the other day. He used to be on top of the world, just a few years ago. Now, he’s had many troubles come his way, and he isn’t doing very well.
Here’s the background. My buddy’s name is Robin. (Not his real name. In fact, all of the details have been changed to protect his identity.) Robin, like me is 47 years old. Like me, he has three kids. One grown and out of the house, and two more at home. Robin’s kids are girls, where mine are boys. That’s where the similarities end. See, Robin had fallen into an abyss, and could not get out of it, if he wanted to. But after 09.11, the corporate scandals like Enron, WorldCom, and the War in Iraq, he didn’t want to. He wasn’t ready.
See, Robin used to work for a high-powered high tech company. When I first met him, he used to joke about how his “nerdiness” (he’s an electrical engineer) would someday bring him more fame and fortune than all of us guys. And, he worked his butt off, year after year. Robin would travel the world, visiting joint venture partners his company was involved with. He became the project manager of a line of some sort of electrical/computer switching devices used in networked computer systems, internet stuff, and the like. (I have heard him try to explain it to me, but I swear I have no idea what these gizmos do, but apparently lots of big companies were buying them, and hiring Robin’s company to consult with them on how to use these things.)
It’s the late 90’s, and Robin’s company gets bought out by a Swiss firm, and they now are publicly traded. Robin gets a pile of shares in the new owner’s stock, and a gazillion stock options to boot. Robin calls me one night to tell me, “Jeff baby. It’s the BIG ONE! We got bought out, I got millions of dollars worth of shares and more millions in options! Yeah baby!” (It was right after Austin Powers came out.)
I was thrilled for Robin. He worked up from a lowly draftsman type of job, to an international executive, an officer of the company…and a high tech millionaire!
Things started to get bad about a year later.
One Sunday, Robin’s family came over to watch the Cubs lose, and he pulled me aside. “Jeff, I gotta tell you, man. I think me and Rachel are over. I mean, like over, over. She’s telling me to get out, and wants a divorce. I think she has a boyfriend, but she’s denying it. I know there is. I just know it. Jeff, I don’t know what to do. I can’t just walk out of my life, and out of the girls’ lives. It’s tearing me up. I’ve been drinking again. I don’t think I can make it without Karen and the girls. I know I can’t make it.”
I was floored. We had known them since college back in the last century. We went to their kids’ christenings. We went to their family parties. It just didn’t seem right. It seemed too surreal. That was only the beginning of the bad times for Robin. His wife did kick him out soon after our get- together, and with the court system being the way it is, she got the girls, the house and just about half of everything else. (She also got to get situated with the boyfriend. She told Robin all his world traveling was too much, and she needed to be with someone who would be there for her and the girls, and not always out of town, worrying only about his own career and success. Whew.)
Next, the company fell to pieces. In the backlash from the dot.com craze and crash, all high tech stocks got pummeled, as you probably know. The Swiss company wasn’t smart enough to do the R & D to make sure they stayed ahead of the competition. They rested on their laurels for six months and didn’t focus on improving the products they sold through Robin’s old company they acquired.
As you could predict, another company started by some young folks, built faster and cheaper versions of Robin’s company’s products, and in less than a year, Robin’s firm had lost over half of their customers to the competition. Sales and profits sank faster than a politician’s morals.
It gets worse. Robin had sold a bunch of the stock he had attained when his company got bought out, and had a broker invest it for him. You know the old joke about how you become a millionaire? (Give a broker two million dollars and soon you’ll only have a million.) His portfolio was 99% high tech/Nasdaq type stocks and fell to only 20 cents on the dollar from the initial value.
His company’s stock fell to less than $1 a share. His stock options became worthless, since his exercise price was far higher than the stock price. Then, the company split up, and dumped Robin’s old company back out for sale, with no buyers wanting to buy outdated technology with “old guys” like Robin as the “staff”. He was laid off with no severance benefits.
So, in less than 18 months, Robin went from a millionaire, world traveling top executive with a beautiful, intelligent wife and three great girls…to a single guy living in a rented apartment with flea market furniture, with no wife, no money, no job, and…a new self image.
Then came 09.11. Robin was working on and off as a consultant to a company that he used to deal with, so he had some income. But, the company he was working for was located in New York, and was a side effect victim of the 09.11 tragedy. They didn’t lose any employees in the World Trade Center collapse, but they were hurt because some of their customers were located in the twin towers, and they lost a bunch of their business as a result. Robin was told he wasn’t going to be needed in the foreseeable future, since the company didn’t know how they were going to survive in the wake of 09.11, let alone be hiring outside consultants. All that came true, as now, in 2004, he is still basically unemployed.
When I talked to Robin recently, he was as low as I’ve ever seen him. He said things like, “Jeff, don’t give me any of your pep talks, alright? The LAST thing I need to hear is how I’m going through a rough stretch, and things will get better. OK?… Let’s face facts. I have wasted so many years of my life, so many, with that miserable, ungrateful wife, that company, being a father as best as I could…and what have I got to show for it? I have nothing, no prospects for the future, and no hope. I’m worthless. No one wants a 47 year old, has-been, hack. I’m through. I even tried enlisting in the Army to go to Iraq, and they told me I was too old and too used up. My life sucks.”
I didn’t argue with Robin right then. I could have, but it was obvious he was not in the mood to receive any help. Not that he even asked for any. What did happen, was that all of Robin’s troubles had scarred Robin on the inside. As Dr. Maltz, the author of the 30 million copy, best selling book, “Psycho-Cybernetics” would say, he had become scarred from the emotional wounds he suffered…and those scars had served to change his self image from one of a successful, loving husband and father…into a self image of a victim who isn’t worth anything to anyone. Robin’s self image was truly transformed by his personal experiences and the condition of the post 09.11 world. He literally saw himself as a worthless loser, and that’s exactly what he was. For now.
As you know, when your self image gets to the point where it tells you that you are not going to ever be better, or have a better life, that you are stuck in the rut you’re now in forever…that’s exactly what your life will be like. You WILL suffer a horrible fate…because your self image tells you that’s what you deserve and who you are. Robin wasn’t going to hear any of this. He was getting counseling, so I wasn’t worried he’d do something dangerous. He told me repeatedly that he didn’t want to hear any of my Psycho-Something mumbo jumbo. He said, “That stuff is for people who have hope. I don’t, so it’s useless to me.”
I decided to try a tricky move to get Robin to read our new book, “The New Psycho-Cybernetics”, the brilliantly written, updated version of Dr. Maltz’s original, 30 million copy selling book, that my partner, Dan Kennedy wrote and created.
Anyway, I told Robin I needed his help. I told him that Dan had just written this updated version of the book, and that the Foundation needed opinions from people of different walks of life before we finalize it. I asked if he would read it to give us his opinions on readability, flow, if it reads as if from Dr. Maltz if he were still alive, and if he could follow what Dan and Dr. Maltz were talking about. (The book, written and updated by Dan, is amazingly written in Dr. Malt’s voice. Dan did a truly remarkable job.)
Robin agreed to help me, and read the book. It only took him one day to call me back with his feedback on the book. I asked if he’d read it already, and he said he had. He told me it was an easy, and interesting read. Very entertaining while being informative. And, yes, Dan had accomplished the remarkable feat of having the book read just like it was written completely by Dr. Maltz. He said Dan had done a great job, and the book should be a big seller, and asked if there was anything else I wanted to know.
I told him, no, and didn’t bring anything up about the important concepts, strategies and tools for changing one’s self image…and hence changing one’s life that are in the book.
Then the change in Robin started. A week later, we went to grab a quick cup of Starbucks, and he responded to my asking him how things were going with a new answer. Robin actually said, “Well, a lot better. First off, I think I’m finally over Karen hitting me below the belt. In fact, I don’t care what she does…and I guess more importantly, I don’t care what she did. I’m tired of thinking of myself as a victim. I have had some really crappy times, but I’ve been so caught up in feeling sorry for myself, so confused and nervous, I haven’t been able to think clearly. I have been such a wreck, I couldn’t be calm or think. It’s time for me to calm myself down, and start thinking clearly and more accurately.”
I was thrilled! My “trick” seemed to be working. He was using the words, and hopefully, the techniques and tools he read in “The New Psycho-Cybernetics”. Now I had to wait to see if the ultimate transformation was going to take place. The transformation of his self image from that of a loser, to that of a winner, the way he used to think of himself.
Just a few weeks ago, I got a call from Robin. He was, well, kind of spunky in his voice and demeanor. “Hey Jeff. How are you?”, he started. (Which was interesting, because he hadn’t asked how I was in a over three years.) I told him I was fine, and asked how he was.
“Hey, you’re not going to believe this, but I went out on a date last night! With a real woman. Her name’s Mary, she’s 47 too, divorced, owns her own business selling cables and wiring systems she started 20 years ago…and she’s hot! She’s really intelligent, cute and likes her life and herself. You want to know the weirdest thing? We went to dinner, and when she asked me about myself, as first dates usually go…I was figuring I would shoot out my sob story. But, when she asked me, I told her that I was divorced dad of three girls, was looking for a new gig in my field, was temporarily out of work, and that was it. Ten seconds, instead of the three hour version. I told her that someday I would be glad to tell her all the gory details, but this was our first date, and that there was no need to hear a boring sob story that was all ancient history.”
I was impressed. Just a few months go, Robin, wouldn’t have had a date with a real woman, and wouldn’t have been able to resist complaining and whining about his bad fortune if some miracle had occurred, and he did actually get a date.
Now, he had begun the process of reversing his self image. Now, Robin saw himself as a successful person who went through a bad spell…and that the bad things that happened to him weren’t who he was…they were merely what happened!
I saw Robin three days ago, and he and this woman were getting along great. “Jeff, she likes to watch ESPN Sports Center, and she is so smart, so confident, so tough. Oh yeah, and she’s so damn cute. She’s had her own version of my horror story…and told me she read this book a long time ago that she still kept on her bookshelf that she pulls out and re-reads whenever she gets into a period where she starts feeling sorry for herself. It’s your book. The original Psycho-Cybernetics. Unreal, huh? Hearing her say that was like some sort of cosmic message about us. Isn’t real life stranger than fiction? I can’t wait for you guys to meet her.”
Robin continued, “She said she knows she is a happy successful person, and needs to be reminded sometimes to practice Dr. Maltz’s techniques like going to the “Theater Of The Mind” to visualize her correct self image and all that. I got her a present yesterday. I bought her “The New Psycho-Cybernetics”. I knew she’d like it, but you know what happened when I gave it to her? She cried. I mean, she was choked up. Mary said it was the most thoughtful and meaningful present she’d ever gotten from any man. Her ex-husband used to give her jewelry his secretary bought at the last minute, and told me I had no idea how much this meant to her, to have someone who actually cared about what she felt, and about who she was. She had me choked up, and I was speechless for a minute. She hugged me and pulled back, looked me in the eye, and said she’d never forget this moment, no matter what happened between us. Wow.”
Robin finished, “Oh yeah. Guess what. Mary had told me about this company that was looking for experienced, old guys or gals to supervise these young, former dot.comers who now actually have to produce work that generates profits. I talked to the owner yesterday, and he told me to start on Monday. I’m going to be the training manager! Man, what a great year it is! Who gives a shit what Kerry or Bush say about the economy? I knew I’d find my stride. Thanks for being a good buddy and listening to me whine. You’re a real friend, and I’ll always be grateful to you.”
Robin won’t admit it, but his new attitude happened right after his doing me a favor, and read “The New Psycho-Cybernetics”. I wonder if there’s a connection. Don’t you think it’s interesting that while so many people are reading, hearing and complaining about how “tough” it is out there, in a two war world, a post 09.11, post high tech crash world…here Robin is telling me that it is a great year?
What do you think? Is it going to be a tough year for you? Do you have a self image of a person who is successful in relationships, successful financially and a happy person…regardless of the circumstances you may find yourself in? If not, or if you do, and want to make sure you stay with that self image…you should pick up a copy of “The New Psycho-Cybernetics” for yourself now, while this is fresh on your mind! And, like Robin…give copies to people you care about. They will appreciate it.
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